Hey there,
I see you. I see how much you care about the people in your life. How you go out of your way to make sure everyone is happy. How you drop everything to help, even when you’re exhausted. I see how you say "yes" when you really want to say "no" and how you swallow your frustration because you don’t want to upset anyone.
And I know you're tired.
I know that deep down, there’s a little voice inside you asking, What about me? But every time it tries to speak up, you push it aside because the thought of disappointing someone makes your stomach twist. You tell yourself, It’s not that big of a deal or I’ll rest later. But later never comes.
Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about why you struggle with boundaries and why you deserve better.
Where Did This Start?
Most people pleasers don’t just wake up one day and decide to put everyone else before themselves. It usually starts young, maybe you grew up in a home where love felt conditional. Maybe you learned that being "good" and agreeable kept the peace. Maybe you were rewarded for being the easy child, the helpful one, the selfless one.
And somewhere along the way, you started believing that your worth was tied to what you could do for others.
It became a pattern. You became the friend who’s always there, the employee who never complains, the family member who takes on more than their fair share. It feels good at first—like you have a purpose, like people need you. But over time, it starts to feel less like kindness and more like a cage.
Because when you never say no, when you always put yourself last, you teach people that your needs don’t matter.
The Cost of Being Everything to Everyone
I need you to hear this: Being a people pleaser is not the same as being kind.
Kindness comes from a place of generosity. People-pleasing, on the other hand, often comes from fear - fear of rejection, fear of disappointing others, fear of being seen as selfish.
And that fear has a cost.
Your mental and emotional health suffer. Constantly prioritizing others leaves you drained, anxious, and overwhelmed. You might even feel resentful, though you push it down because that guilt kicks in.
Your relationships become one-sided. When you’re always giving but never receiving, you attract people who take advantage of that. Not everyone, of course, but those who do will keep asking for more until you have nothing left.
You lose your sense of self. When was the last time you did something just for you? When was the last time you made a decision without thinking about how it would affect someone else? If you don’t remember, it’s time to change that.
You Are Allowed to Have Boundaries
I know setting boundaries feels uncomfortable. It feels selfish, wrong, maybe even impossible. But here’s the truth:
Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about making space for yourself.
They don’t mean you stop caring. They mean you care about yourself, too.
So let’s start small.
Pause before saying yes. Instead of agreeing immediately, take a deep breath and say, Let me think about it. Give yourself permission to consider if it’s something you truly want to do.
Use simple, clear responses. You don’t owe long explanations. “I can’t take this on right now.” “That doesn’t work for me.” “I need some time for myself.” These are complete sentences.
Expect discomfort, but don’t let it stop you. At first, setting boundaries will feel awkward. People might not like it, especially if they’re used to you always saying yes. But those who truly care about you will respect your limits. And those who don’t? Maybe they never really valued you.
You Are More Than What You Do for Others
I know breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t easy. But I need you to understand something: You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness, even when you say no.
Your value does not come from how much you give. It does not come from making everyone else happy. You do not exist to make life easier for other people at the expense of your own well-being.
You deserve rest.
You deserve care.
You deserve relationships that feel balanced and fulfilling.
And most importantly? You deserve to take up space in your own life.
So the next time you feel the urge to put yourself last, ask yourself:
"If I were someone I loved, would I want them to live like this?"
I think you already know the answer.
It’s time to start choosing yourself, too.
With love,
Jummy Iyiola
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